Bleedin’ heck! Introducing our fudging rude birthday cards!

Lovey-dovey can be good sometimes, but if you really want to show your true feelings on their birthday, there’s nothing more poetic than a carefully-chosen, beautifully-timed insult. It’s high art. So, we asked Countdown's Queen of Words (and swears) Susie Dent for a bunch of ye olde ways for us to be a little bit rude for our birthdays. After digging into the historical dictionary archives, Susie unearthed a host of new swears and we transformed these literary masterpieces into a line of tongue-in-cheek birthday cards. Perfect for nan.

After all, it’s always good to learn new words.

So, without further ado, beating about the bush or general lollygagging, who better to talk us through these absolutely classic swears than the Queen of Words herself! Take it away Susie…

Susie’s Swears

Flowery, affectionate birthday greetings are all well and good, but we all know that if you really want to show your loved ones how much you care, whilst also raising a smile, there’s nothing better than lobbing a carefully-chosen insult their way.  

The trouble is, our usual pieces of invective might be feeling a little tired by now. After all, our top swears have been with us for five centuries or more. This is where a historical dictionary can help. Within its pages are literally hundreds of taunts - from lickspigot to smellfungus, mumpsimus to ultracrepidarian - that will show the special person in your life just how much you think of them. And if you need a few pointers, Moonpig have created a new line of birthday cards that will enable you to have a playful dig at your nearest and dearest, with some of the choicest mudballs from the past to sling their way. Because, as decades of birthday card choices have proved, we clearly love nothing more than a joyful jibe.  

Blunderbuss

Take 'blunderbuss', a 17th-century word meaning a gun with a large bore but which slipped into metaphorical use to mean a blustering, noisy talker (and we all know one of those). From the Dutch for 'thunder gun', it can be used for anyone who loves nothing more than to hold forth on any subject for hours on end. 'Happy Birthday you bloviating blunderbuss' should do the trick.

Modern day equivalent: You gobby little gob-sh*te

Lubberwort

'Lubberwort' is a 16th century word for an imaginary plant said to inspire extreme laziness, as well as for the slubberdegullion (that's an idler to you and me) it produces. 'Happy Birthday you lazy lubberwort' has a rather nice ring to it.

Modern day equivalent: You make the old slug at the end of my garden look like Usain Bolt

Arf'arf'an'arf

'Arf'arf'an'arf'  comes from Victorian slang, where it described a drunkard who sank one 'arf' – or half pint – after another. Incidentally the same tippler would also have been known as a tosspot – because they tossed back their pot of beer and immediately started on another. So how about 'Cheers to you, you great arf'arf'an'arf'. 

Modern day equivalent: Mate, you’re sozzled.

Dunderhead

'Dunderhead' is one of those old-fashioned insults that makes everyone smile. Its origins may be elusive, but its meaning is clear: a bit of an idiot or blockhead who never quite gets it right. And all dunderheads need a good friend, which is why 'Happy Birthday my dearest dunderhead' might be the nicest greeting of all.

Modern day equivalent: You beautiful, sweet, kind-hearted...moron.

Sard

Finally, if you really want to give your message the full whack, why not opt for the Shakespearean version of the F word? 'Sard', from the 15th century, is defined in the dictionary as 'to know carnally'. But no need to be so coy in your special day greetings – ‘Happy Birthday sard-face’ is surely worth a try. 

Modern day equivalent: I mean, let’s face it, you can’t go far wrong with the swear of all swears...F***. Anytime, anywhere, it’s a classic for a reason.

(it’s also perfect for stubbing your toe on the coffee table, speaking from personal experience)

Now, these bl**dy good swears might be Susie’s top picks, but we thought we’d thought we’d join in on the fun and share a few personal favourites of our own, too!

Pizzle

This absolute classic is a Shakespearean curse word, so you know it’s intellectual as well as savage. Pizzle is the most literary and sophisticated way to say...well...penis. The perfect way to call someone a d*ck whilst also making them think. “Happy Birth-dizzle, you total pizzle!”

Modern day equivalent: Well...this one’s rather self explanatory, isn’t it.

Zooterkins

We do love this one, it’s got a real flair for the dramatic which we can’t help but live for. Zooterkins is a 17th century variation of the word “zounds!”, which was an expression of surprise or indignation. “Zooterkins! Another year older!”

Modern day equivalent: Holy sh*t, we are literally shooketh. You are so old now!

Muckspout

And finally, probably the most relatable word of this project, we give you ‘Muckspout’. An old school dialect word for someone who not only talks a lot, but who seems to constantly swear. So, if you want to wish someone some f***ing s**t hot birthday greetings, why not go for “Happy Birthday, you magnificent muckspout!”

Modern day equivalent: You’re so potty mouthed my toilet’s jealous!

Anyway, we hope you enjoy these absolute belters just as much as we loved making them...you absolute sard-in muckspouts!