10 Funny Things To Write In This Year’s Christmas Card

Writing Christmas cards should be the easy bit, right? No sellotape. No scissors. No rolls and rolls of wrapping paper. Just a pen, a card and the right words. Alas, the blank page. How it taunts. How it teases. ‘You’ll never think of anything!’ it laughs. ‘Wit!? What wit!?’ It cries. Fear not. Help is at hand. Forget your standard ‘Merry Christmas!’ fallback. That’s old hat. It’s time you put a big fat grin on someone’s face when they open that Christmas card envelope. From grandma to your grump of a neighbour, here are ten funny Christmas card messages for you to try on for size this holiday season:

1. I put so much thought into your gift that it’s now too late to get it. Merry Christmas anyway.

A classic Christmas joke here. Have I got you a gift? Haven’t I? It doesn’t matter if you got them a present. Look how hilarious I am? Laughter is your Christmas gift. Deal with it (you may actually want to give this card with a gift).

2. Don we now our ugly jumpers, fa la la la!

A message as garish and tacky as the classic Christmas jumpers it speaks of. This kind of Christmas joke is unapologetically in your face – it's unexpected, pointless, and childish… and how funny is that?

3. I would say all I want for Christmas is you, but about that handbag…

Handbag. Watch. Pony. Insert your biggest Christmas wishes as you see fit. Reiterate that must-have at the top of your Christmas list. It’s what Mariah would have wanted.

4. Christmas is a time when everyone wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Okay, so we borrowed this one. Thank you legendary actress and stand-up, Phyllis Diller but we’re taking the credit and running with it.

5. Sure, being on the nice list gets you more presents. But being naughty is its own reward…

This is not one for grandma’s card. We repeat, this is not one for grandma’s Christmas card.

6. Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks? Because they are Santa’s star-bucks!

Long live the dad joke. Which is to say, nobody is likely to appreciate this joke except your dad.

7. What do you call a kid who won’t sit on Santa’s lap? Claustrophobic!

Good old fashioned word play. Move over Christmas crackers, the real jokes start when your Christmas cards slide through those letterboxes.

8. Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men and Batteries Not Included.

Seriously though, why are batteries never included with Christmas gifts?

9. Christmas is cancelled. Apparently, you told Santa you have been good this year… He died laughing…

Because what’s more hilarious than Santa kicking the bucket? Although, this is probably not one for the kids.

10. There’s snowbody like you!

As Christmas is a time for cheese (both literally and metaphorically) we finish on a cheesy note. Sure to put a cheeky smile on someone’s face.